10/29/12

Saw Dr. Moon today.
She's referring me to a neurosurgeon.

She's not happy with my progress.

10/24/2012

Jeff has told me this a few times.  But it finally sank in today.

I have to teach my left foot how to walk again.  How to strike.  How to roll.  How to spring up with the big toe.

I also have to redevelop a lot of muscle strength in my left leg, especially the muscles in the lower shin area.  (I should look them up.  Find out their names.  Get to know them better.)

Right now I have thick back tape running from the top of my foot up to my knee.  It's to help keep my foot lifted so it doesn't drag and I am in less danger of tripping/falling.  (I've done that about once a day, usually just tripping.)

I kind of have permission to do yoga.  I'm taking him in an asana chart of some sort tomorrow, so he can show me the poses that will help and the ones that I am to not do until I am 100% better. 

He also suggested that I might see about getting a nerve stimulator machine.

I should probably make an appointment with Dr. Moon soon.

10/20/12

This is the least amount of pain I've woken up with in 3 weeks.  It all started four weeks ago, so I'm not even close to pain-free, but wow I awoke with a bit of hurt, not crippled by it.

I still say....best feeling ever is being aware of pain leaving the body (or the heart.)

10/18/2012

The pain is not as severe as it was.
But.
It's still pain.

Pain.  Ongoing, consistent pain.  Is exhausting.

PT is going well.  I've moved from the pool to land based exercises.

Today I was on the recumbent bike for 10 min, and then jogged on a small trampoline for 2 minutes.  I did other stuff, both those made me the happiest, because well...

Yesterday Jeff said that he doesn't want me to even think about running for 6 months. 

10/15/2012

Dear Running,

I miss you like crazy.  I miss doing you.  I miss being done with you.  I miss the endorphins.  I definitely miss the being outside in nature bit.  I miss moving.  I miss feeling strong.  I miss seeing people and saying, "I'm not stopping until I pass them" and then not even stopping then.  I miss improving.

Miss you.
So.
Much.

Love and devotion,
Jackie

Dear Yoga,

I feel a little vacant without you.  You were my routine.  My social outlet.  My connection to inside my head and to all different facets of my body.  I want to stretch.  I want to bend  I want to hurt a little.

I think I'll be slowly reunited with you.  Already I've been given the okay for Sucirandhrasana (figure four pose.)  More than the okay.  He wants 20 of them a day.  I also think there are things I should be able to do no problem.  So.  Maybe.  Maybe, yoga, we can flirt.  We can court.  We can get to know eachother all over again, but slowly.  Neck rolls are always okay.

With great warmth, desire, and affection,
Jackie

10/11/12

It's odd to have an evening with nothing to do and no drugs to be on.  I suppose I could take my night meds (muscle relaxer, pain med) early and then get to sleep early and not be so groggy in the morning.  But what fun is that?

I had round two of physical therapy today.  I got to go into the pool.  A nice, indoor, heated pool.  It felt good.  Then Jeff (my pt) taught me a new stretch and said he felt good about the progress I'm making.  He said he wouldn't poke around at my back anymore unless I started to get weaker.  "If it's not broke, don't fix it."

I definitely have more strength and flexibility than I did 48 hours ago.  When I was doing all the stretches in the pool I kept thinking "engage your core, engage your core."  Yoga has a good influence on me.

October 10, 2012

The physical therapist referred to my condition (the lack of feeling/strength in lower leg, ankle, and foot/toes) as being severe. Also said there are no guarantees I'll get all my feeling/strength back with physical therapy. He said we'd give it a few weeks and see where we're at, but then I'd need to go back to my doctor to see about next steps.

Then he poked and prodded my back a little and suddenly I could move my big toe more and lift my foot a tiny bit off the ground (from the ankle.) Then he had me do a stretch (like a runner's lunge, but not so low) and kept saying the same things a yogi said at a workshop I was at recently...go until you feel it and then ease off a little and hold for three seconds. That's my homework. I'm to do that 5 times. But after I did that I could feel my toes so much more.

Then he hooked me up to some muscle/nerve stimulator thing for 15 minutes, and after that I can definitely FEEL more.

I go back tomorrow to work in the pool. I'm scheduled to go 3x a week.

He said no running and no yoga. I'm allowed to take two 15 minute walks a day, but only if I ice for 20 min after.

Today I ate all the calories in the world.  And I'm feeling full and fat and fugly.  I'm considering going back to Weight Watchers online.

I'm also reading a play that I'm giving a quiz on tomorrow.  It's the actor's edition.  And the font is so tiny.  I need glasses.  I'm finally coming to terms with that.  So, among my many other doc apts, I need to go see the eye doctor.

October 9, 2012

After a bit of encouragement from a friend, I called the physical therapist's office today to see if I could get in any sooner.  And I can.  Tomorrow at 1:30pm.
Whoop!

I admitted to my brother today that I had been worried they wouldn't find anything wrong with my spine, and would want to look at my brain.  That this could be MS.  He said he understood why I'd be afraid of that.  Luckily, I've got those bulging discs instead.

Yesterday I taught on meds.
Today I taught on pain.

Meds are a better deal.  I'm nicer on meds than I am on pain.  Go figure.

I'm going to see if I can time them right tomorrow so that I can still drive to class and then to PT after.  (Not sure it's possible.)

I need to make a list of questions to ask.

1. How can I keep this from happening again?
2. When can I run again?
3. Can I walk in the mean time?
4. Yoga?  Can I do it? What poses, if any, should I avoid?
5.  If 2 and 3 are a no go, can I use the elliptical?  Swim?

I need some exercise in my life again.  Badly.

October 8, 2012

I can totally see how an MRI could freak someone out.  Especially someone with claustrophobia.

I was okay, though.  Doped up on enough pain killer and muscle relaxers that I just sorta zoned out and wanted to sleep.

I even went and taught class after.  Then home for a very long nap.  Got a call from my doctor's office about 2:30pm.  Didn't think I'd hear from them until late tomorrow at the soonest.

I have bulging discs in my lower spine.  Not slipped.  Not torn.  Not herniated.  Just bulging.  Fixable.  I start physical therapy in a week.

Greatly relieved.

But want to start exercising again NOW damnit.  I want to yoga.  I want to go for a jog.

But the diagnosis hasn't made the pain go away.  Hasn't made me able to lift the toes on my left foot.

And I'm afraid anything I might do other than a casual stroll might mess things up more.

Still.  Greatly relieved.

October 7, 2012

It hurts a lot more in the mornings.  Or after a nap.

It doesn't hurt at all when I sleep.

I'm trying not to be consumed by it.  By the pain, the unknown, the panic.

Most likely it's a disc that is unhappy.  Slipped or herniated.  It will take time to recover, but with meds, pt, and patience, it will.

But then there's the what ifs.
What if I inherited more from my parents than I wanted.

My mom had a lot of MRIs because of MS.
My dad had a lot of MRIs because of cancer.

I really just want a pissed off disc.

October 6, 2012

This is the day autumn arrived.  Cool.  Misty.  Nice.

Spent most of it inside.

Hurt like hell this morning.  Has eased up tonight.

MRI on Monday morning.  Did I already say that?

Bailey is telling me it's time for bed.

Goodnight.

October 3, 2012

I want to take a minute or two and force some gratitude upon myself.

My leg is hurting again, and my back, but then there is still all the numbness.  I'm bloated and hungry from the steroids.  I'm tired and loopy from the muscle relaxers.  I'm thirsty as hell.  And I can't think straight.

But.

I have a health insurance.  A roof over my head.  Some really beautiful, sweet roomies who like to love on me.  I have good friends who are willing to help me out.  I have colleagues that understand I'm not at my best this week.  I have students who are being so chill about my weirdness, and not giving me any extra trouble.

The rest of my body seems to be working just fine.

And...the piece de resistance?  I'm eating a big bowl of oatmeal with a huge dollop of dark chocolate peanut butter.  It's like a cookie in mush form.

It's going to be okay.

(And it will be even better when I can go to yoga and run again.)

October 2, 2012

Somehow I managed to get exactly the right amount of sleep, food, medicine, talking, sugar, coffee, animal love, brother talk, and sunshine.  I'm in a good mood for the first time in what feels like a long time.

I'm not sure how long it will last, so I am documenting it.

And I can jog around my house.
On Friday I couldn't take one step up with my left foot.
I'm not better yet, but I'm getting that way.

Holy hell getting old is hard.

October 1, 2012

I have got to find a way to seek some solace in all this.  And wow that sounded more dramatic than I meant for it to.

I think I have more feeling in my leg/foot today.  I think.  Can't tell for certain, so if there is improvement it's minimal.  Also noticing a slight pain in my lower back on the left side...sore muscle feeling.  I think.

Fell in the hallway after class today.  Rug burn was all the damage done, thankfully.  And then there was my pride.  And I think I said "shit" really loud.

I'm settling in for the night with a cup of decaf coffee.  Hazelnut.    Trying to stay up until 9:30pm, but we'll see what happens.