November 10, 2012

Saw neurosurgeon last Monday.
Am having an epidural steroid injection this coming Monday.

It's injecting steroids directly into my disc to decrease the inflammation and encroachment on the nerve...especially the one that goes down to my foot.  If it works, I should be feeling better in a few days.

If it doesn't work this neuro wants to do a discectomy.  But I will use that opportunity to get a second opinion and go from there.

In the meantime I've been wearing a back brace at his orders when I walk or stand longer than 20 minutes (so when I teach.)  I also got myself an ankle brace and that's helped keep stability in my left foot.

So.  Yeah.  We'll see.

10/29/12

Saw Dr. Moon today.
She's referring me to a neurosurgeon.

She's not happy with my progress.

10/24/2012

Jeff has told me this a few times.  But it finally sank in today.

I have to teach my left foot how to walk again.  How to strike.  How to roll.  How to spring up with the big toe.

I also have to redevelop a lot of muscle strength in my left leg, especially the muscles in the lower shin area.  (I should look them up.  Find out their names.  Get to know them better.)

Right now I have thick back tape running from the top of my foot up to my knee.  It's to help keep my foot lifted so it doesn't drag and I am in less danger of tripping/falling.  (I've done that about once a day, usually just tripping.)

I kind of have permission to do yoga.  I'm taking him in an asana chart of some sort tomorrow, so he can show me the poses that will help and the ones that I am to not do until I am 100% better. 

He also suggested that I might see about getting a nerve stimulator machine.

I should probably make an appointment with Dr. Moon soon.

10/20/12

This is the least amount of pain I've woken up with in 3 weeks.  It all started four weeks ago, so I'm not even close to pain-free, but wow I awoke with a bit of hurt, not crippled by it.

I still say....best feeling ever is being aware of pain leaving the body (or the heart.)

10/18/2012

The pain is not as severe as it was.
But.
It's still pain.

Pain.  Ongoing, consistent pain.  Is exhausting.

PT is going well.  I've moved from the pool to land based exercises.

Today I was on the recumbent bike for 10 min, and then jogged on a small trampoline for 2 minutes.  I did other stuff, both those made me the happiest, because well...

Yesterday Jeff said that he doesn't want me to even think about running for 6 months. 

10/15/2012

Dear Running,

I miss you like crazy.  I miss doing you.  I miss being done with you.  I miss the endorphins.  I definitely miss the being outside in nature bit.  I miss moving.  I miss feeling strong.  I miss seeing people and saying, "I'm not stopping until I pass them" and then not even stopping then.  I miss improving.

Miss you.
So.
Much.

Love and devotion,
Jackie

Dear Yoga,

I feel a little vacant without you.  You were my routine.  My social outlet.  My connection to inside my head and to all different facets of my body.  I want to stretch.  I want to bend  I want to hurt a little.

I think I'll be slowly reunited with you.  Already I've been given the okay for Sucirandhrasana (figure four pose.)  More than the okay.  He wants 20 of them a day.  I also think there are things I should be able to do no problem.  So.  Maybe.  Maybe, yoga, we can flirt.  We can court.  We can get to know eachother all over again, but slowly.  Neck rolls are always okay.

With great warmth, desire, and affection,
Jackie

10/11/12

It's odd to have an evening with nothing to do and no drugs to be on.  I suppose I could take my night meds (muscle relaxer, pain med) early and then get to sleep early and not be so groggy in the morning.  But what fun is that?

I had round two of physical therapy today.  I got to go into the pool.  A nice, indoor, heated pool.  It felt good.  Then Jeff (my pt) taught me a new stretch and said he felt good about the progress I'm making.  He said he wouldn't poke around at my back anymore unless I started to get weaker.  "If it's not broke, don't fix it."

I definitely have more strength and flexibility than I did 48 hours ago.  When I was doing all the stretches in the pool I kept thinking "engage your core, engage your core."  Yoga has a good influence on me.

October 10, 2012

The physical therapist referred to my condition (the lack of feeling/strength in lower leg, ankle, and foot/toes) as being severe. Also said there are no guarantees I'll get all my feeling/strength back with physical therapy. He said we'd give it a few weeks and see where we're at, but then I'd need to go back to my doctor to see about next steps.

Then he poked and prodded my back a little and suddenly I could move my big toe more and lift my foot a tiny bit off the ground (from the ankle.) Then he had me do a stretch (like a runner's lunge, but not so low) and kept saying the same things a yogi said at a workshop I was at recently...go until you feel it and then ease off a little and hold for three seconds. That's my homework. I'm to do that 5 times. But after I did that I could feel my toes so much more.

Then he hooked me up to some muscle/nerve stimulator thing for 15 minutes, and after that I can definitely FEEL more.

I go back tomorrow to work in the pool. I'm scheduled to go 3x a week.

He said no running and no yoga. I'm allowed to take two 15 minute walks a day, but only if I ice for 20 min after.

Today I ate all the calories in the world.  And I'm feeling full and fat and fugly.  I'm considering going back to Weight Watchers online.

I'm also reading a play that I'm giving a quiz on tomorrow.  It's the actor's edition.  And the font is so tiny.  I need glasses.  I'm finally coming to terms with that.  So, among my many other doc apts, I need to go see the eye doctor.

October 9, 2012

After a bit of encouragement from a friend, I called the physical therapist's office today to see if I could get in any sooner.  And I can.  Tomorrow at 1:30pm.
Whoop!

I admitted to my brother today that I had been worried they wouldn't find anything wrong with my spine, and would want to look at my brain.  That this could be MS.  He said he understood why I'd be afraid of that.  Luckily, I've got those bulging discs instead.

Yesterday I taught on meds.
Today I taught on pain.

Meds are a better deal.  I'm nicer on meds than I am on pain.  Go figure.

I'm going to see if I can time them right tomorrow so that I can still drive to class and then to PT after.  (Not sure it's possible.)

I need to make a list of questions to ask.

1. How can I keep this from happening again?
2. When can I run again?
3. Can I walk in the mean time?
4. Yoga?  Can I do it? What poses, if any, should I avoid?
5.  If 2 and 3 are a no go, can I use the elliptical?  Swim?

I need some exercise in my life again.  Badly.

October 8, 2012

I can totally see how an MRI could freak someone out.  Especially someone with claustrophobia.

I was okay, though.  Doped up on enough pain killer and muscle relaxers that I just sorta zoned out and wanted to sleep.

I even went and taught class after.  Then home for a very long nap.  Got a call from my doctor's office about 2:30pm.  Didn't think I'd hear from them until late tomorrow at the soonest.

I have bulging discs in my lower spine.  Not slipped.  Not torn.  Not herniated.  Just bulging.  Fixable.  I start physical therapy in a week.

Greatly relieved.

But want to start exercising again NOW damnit.  I want to yoga.  I want to go for a jog.

But the diagnosis hasn't made the pain go away.  Hasn't made me able to lift the toes on my left foot.

And I'm afraid anything I might do other than a casual stroll might mess things up more.

Still.  Greatly relieved.

October 7, 2012

It hurts a lot more in the mornings.  Or after a nap.

It doesn't hurt at all when I sleep.

I'm trying not to be consumed by it.  By the pain, the unknown, the panic.

Most likely it's a disc that is unhappy.  Slipped or herniated.  It will take time to recover, but with meds, pt, and patience, it will.

But then there's the what ifs.
What if I inherited more from my parents than I wanted.

My mom had a lot of MRIs because of MS.
My dad had a lot of MRIs because of cancer.

I really just want a pissed off disc.

October 6, 2012

This is the day autumn arrived.  Cool.  Misty.  Nice.

Spent most of it inside.

Hurt like hell this morning.  Has eased up tonight.

MRI on Monday morning.  Did I already say that?

Bailey is telling me it's time for bed.

Goodnight.

October 3, 2012

I want to take a minute or two and force some gratitude upon myself.

My leg is hurting again, and my back, but then there is still all the numbness.  I'm bloated and hungry from the steroids.  I'm tired and loopy from the muscle relaxers.  I'm thirsty as hell.  And I can't think straight.

But.

I have a health insurance.  A roof over my head.  Some really beautiful, sweet roomies who like to love on me.  I have good friends who are willing to help me out.  I have colleagues that understand I'm not at my best this week.  I have students who are being so chill about my weirdness, and not giving me any extra trouble.

The rest of my body seems to be working just fine.

And...the piece de resistance?  I'm eating a big bowl of oatmeal with a huge dollop of dark chocolate peanut butter.  It's like a cookie in mush form.

It's going to be okay.

(And it will be even better when I can go to yoga and run again.)

October 2, 2012

Somehow I managed to get exactly the right amount of sleep, food, medicine, talking, sugar, coffee, animal love, brother talk, and sunshine.  I'm in a good mood for the first time in what feels like a long time.

I'm not sure how long it will last, so I am documenting it.

And I can jog around my house.
On Friday I couldn't take one step up with my left foot.
I'm not better yet, but I'm getting that way.

Holy hell getting old is hard.

October 1, 2012

I have got to find a way to seek some solace in all this.  And wow that sounded more dramatic than I meant for it to.

I think I have more feeling in my leg/foot today.  I think.  Can't tell for certain, so if there is improvement it's minimal.  Also noticing a slight pain in my lower back on the left side...sore muscle feeling.  I think.

Fell in the hallway after class today.  Rug burn was all the damage done, thankfully.  And then there was my pride.  And I think I said "shit" really loud.

I'm settling in for the night with a cup of decaf coffee.  Hazelnut.    Trying to stay up until 9:30pm, but we'll see what happens.

Even More September 30

I am going to pay this is the kick in the pants I've been needing, and nothing more.

More for September 30

I am independent to a fault.  What I think of as a fault.

Maybe.

And bear with me, there is still muscle relaxers talking, and I'm about to take more.  Haven't had a dose since 4am.

My dear sweet friend tried to hold my little basket for me at the grocery store, and I wouldn't let her.  And she tried to help me find the kind of ibuprofen I was looking for, and I told her, "Let me be the decider."  Or something equally as silly.

I do everything for myself.  Without a room mate or significant other, all the chores are mine to do.  All the groceries get got by me.  The pets? I feed them, clean the litter boxes, let Bailey out, and dote all the loving.  And I spend a lot of time, quite honestly, wishing and wishing that just once I could have somebody to help me.

And then?
I don't let my dear sweet friend hold my basket for me.

And this is no every day dear sweet friend kind of friend.  This is the sister kind of dear sweet friend.  The chosen sister kind.  I've got two of them right now.  Both big sisters.  Which I've never had literally or figuratively.  And she offered her help, and instead of being accepting, I had to be Independent.  I'm not mad at myself.  I know she's not mad at me either.  Just a basket.  Just some ibuprofen.  But I'd like to get better at accepting help.

September 30

It's been quite a week.

I am trying to sober myself up from the muscle relaxers a bit so I can run an errand or two and do some writing before I go back under.

I ended up with what I'm praying to God is a pinched nerve.
Bad lower back ache all last week (which was part of my grumpiness last week, as was PMS)  It hurt all week.  I got a massage on Tuesday.  It helped.  Then I went for an hour long walk on Wednesday.  That DID NOT help, though it did feel good to be out and moving.

By Thursday afternoon I was in some intense pain and by midnight I was crying and trying to find different ways to position myself that wouldn't hurt so much.  I discovered on accident that lying on the floor felt great (I had dropped my phone under the bed and went to fetch it.)  Then  around 5am I found a way of sitting on my right butt cheek and leaning a little forward that took all the pain away.

At 8am I was at the doctor.  All pain gone, but my left leg pretty damn numb.

X-rays.  Steroid shot.  Anti-inflammation shot.  The space between my L5 and my S1 is too small, likely a nerve (sciatic?) got pinched during a yoga pose.  Which? Not sure, but we think one that involved a block on my sacrum.

In the meantime I am on Prednisone (2x  day) and Flexoril (as often I am able to take it, but at least nightly) and have a follow up on Thursday afternoon.  For now I've got one hell of a limp and not a lot of feeling in my left calf down, but I think that's an improvement.

Fuck.

(OF couse, in the back of my mind I keep wanting to re-Google just how hereditary MS is.)

September 23

It's Sunday, but Sunday almost a month later.
I've been doing great with running and eating.

And then my back started hurting yesterday.  It will be fine.  Not worried.

Not about that.

Could be eating better, but not horribly.  On the menu for the week ahead is fish, chicken, spaghetti stew, and FlatOut pizza.

It's my brain and my heart that I'm having a hard time with.
And my sense of self.
Self identity.
Self worth.
Self love.

I feel kind of a mess, and am having a hard time really getting my shit together.

This desire to sleep all the time is starting to get in the way.

But speaking of.
It's really that time.

August 26 and Sunday Set Up

I like this idea of doing Sunday Set Up.  Eventually I might even do all the things I set up.

I did have a great run and yoga yesterday.  For the first time ever I ran 2 miles without stopping.  I did 2.4 total plus a couple of minutes cool down.  Two hours later went to yoga.  All felt GREAT!

Since yesterday was a long day, today is rest. And no yoga.

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Monday: 
Leftover zukes with crab
40 min run
4:30pm yoga

Tuesday
Spaghetti with locarb pasta
40 min run
4:00pm yoga

Wednesday
Left over spaghetti
4:30 yoga

Thursday
Chicken breast with chili sauce + veggies
40 min run
4:00 yoga

Friday
Chicken breast with some other cool sauce + veggies
40 min run/easy
5:30pm yoga

Saturday
Dinner to be decided (pay day!)
60 minute walk/run
9am yoga

August 21, 2012

I did everything for my set-up yesterday except the running.

Today?  Everything.  And you know what?  I didn't have to GO! Again!  And? I was brave and ran not near my house.  I ran the trails at the Native Plant Center which includes HILLS that I RAN up.  I even ran up the last one out of the park.  You know the one I'm talking about, right, Baby T-rex? (Or are you Baby Dino?)

Two things got me up the hills.  #1. The Beastie Boys.  #2. Being goofy.  I figured if I had to run up those damn hills I might as well have fun.  So I made my arms go like a chew-chew train.  You know all straight out at the elbow with my hands wide open and just....chugged my way up.  It made me laugh.  Which was even better.

I did 40 minutes and managed 2 miles again.  I'm trying really hard to not be self deprecating about that.   I went a lot faster that I did NOT running yesterday.  And I can feel the emergency need to poo anxiety diminish....albeit very slowly.

---

1 bowl Fiber One with almond milk and a banana

1 Nature's Bakery whole wheat fig bar (peach apricot)

1 pita stuffed with proscuitto, daiya cheese, lettuce, and pineapple pico

1 Cliff kid's Z bar

1 small bowl of melon

1 huge bowl of spaghetti sauce poured over 2 big slices of Oaty Oat bread.

Yes, there will be another Almond Chocolate pudding before I go to sleep.  Probably.

August 19, 2012

So I'm going to do my Sunday Set Up.  Are you ready?

Monday:  Run 40 minutes.  Yoga.  Dinner: Spaghetti with low carb pasta
Tuesday:  Run 40 minutes.  Yoga.  Dinner:  Sausage stir fry
Wednesday:  Yoga if I am out of meetings in time.  Dinner:  Zucchini crab boats
Thursday:  Yoga.  Dinner:  Left over spaghetti
Friday: Run 40 minutes.  Yoga.  Dinner:  Left over Zucchini boats.
Saturday:  Run 42 minutes.  Meditation.  Dinner: Left over Sausage stir fry.

I actually might be having dinner at my boss's house on Saturday for a faculty thing.  Not sure. 

---

1 waffle, 1 egg, 2 chicken sausage links

1 Whole Soy yogurt, key lime

1 pita stuffed with lettuce, mayo, Daiya notcheese, proscuitto, and a bit of mayo
Carrots and hummus

1 apple with peanut butter

2 chicken bao with big salad (lettuce, tomatoes, celery, almonds, balsamic dressing)

I think there will be a chocolate almond pudding in my future.

Rebirth

I've been back from NYC for several days now.  I meant to write sooner, but it's been a challenging week, and I needed more time in my own head.

And now I want to talk about anything other than the challenge, so instead I'm talking about rebirth.

NYC was wonderful.  It was a great experience that has left me feeling very...purged.  I hadn't realized just how much anxiety has been built up in me since October when everything went wrong.  I got to revisit the scene of the crime(s) and see them made right.  The show must and finally did go on.

This isn't the place where I want to talk about my career in any of its forms.  I do enough talking/thinking about that with friends and colleagues.

But overall, I feel like I've been given a clean slate.  This really sank in on my run yesterday. 

That's right.  I ran yesterday.

I ran two miles in 40 minutes and did not need to poop.  I am not counting myself cured yet.  I think I want a solid week of running (4-5x) before I made any claims.

It was, obviously, a slow run.  And I kept having to tell myself not to compare myself with how I was doing in October.  Or even December.  I'm in a very different place now.  I weigh more.  I don't have the same cardio conditioning I had before.  And I have anxiety every time I go run that I'm gonna have an emergency situation.  None of those things are going to change this week.  And likely the improvements will be slow and (please) steady.  But I can make them now.

I'm working on goals for all areas of my life.  And later I'll take those goals and add some smart goals to make them actually happen.

But for now, my running goals are:
Do 4 miles in 60 minutes by....well...by eventually. 
Do the Rocky Raccoon 10k on November 3.

Gassy McGasserton.

I should be clear.  While this blog is largely about health/fitness and my life kind of in general, it's main purpose at the moment is helping me figure out my digestive system.  So the talk is not always going to be pretty.

I ate something last night.  Not sure what but I have a big guess.  Something that made me really, really gassy.  It hasn't led to any other problems, but I erred on the side of caution and didn't run, even though I really wanted to.

Beans.

I triple checked.  No dairy in the can.  To the best of my knowledge I haven't had dairy for 7 days now.  And other than last night-into-this-morning's bought of gassiness I've been great for the last couple of days.  I still have 6 days of antibiotics left, too.

Beans make people gassy.

"Beans, beans, the magical fruit.  The more you eat, the more you poot.  The more you poot, the better you feel.  So eat your beans at every meal."

Mhmm.

So is this gas any normal person would have had?  Or is this Jackie-SIBO-SPECIAL kind of gas?

I dunno.  But I thought I should "document" it.

(I've been doing some reading...and seeing the link between SIBO and IBS...and apparently some beans (which?) are a bad idea for either/both.  Also?  Gluten.  Oy.)

Breathing deeply.
Farting, too.

August 7, 2012

My quads are sore today.
I'm not sure if I should credit lots of lunges in yoga yesterday or the running.  Maybe both.  But it's a good sore.

Didn't run this morning, but it's pouring out now so I'm already looking forward to tomorrow's run.  I'll go early enough so the heat doesn't catch up with the humidity.  (Would be best if it were still drizzling.)

At yoga today I came the closest I've come to doing a shoulder stand.  I did an okay warrior 3 and a kick ass half moon.

---

My stomach is feeling pretty good today.  My digestive system seems to be happier.

---

Otherwise everything is about getting ready to head to NYC for the weekend.

---

1 GF/DF waffle with 1 egg and 1 sausage link

1 pita filled with lettuce, turkey, and avocado

2 small squares of Graham Cracker

1 cup Fiber One with almond milk

1 chicken breast smothered in hatch green chiles
2/3 can of beans
1 small onion

I think there will be a chocolate soy pudding for dessert

August 6, 2012

I did something today.

I ran.

I ran for 1.7 miles.

I ran for 1.7 miles in about 30 minutes.

I ran for 1.7 miles in about 30 minutes and did not stop because I had to GO!

I stopped because it was 95F and freaking hot.

In fact, and apologies for TMI, it's been 6 hours since I started that run, and I still haven't had to GO.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

So what possessed me to run when I wasn't even going to try until I was done with the antibiotics?  What possessed me to run in 95F weather? 

The Sikh shooting.  I kept reading about it and kept getting angrier and angrier and angrier.  And I either had to eat all the food in the house or go run.  I think I chose wisely.

And then I went to yoga.

---

1 GF/DF waffle with 1 egg and 1 sausage link

A really gross salad that I only ate about 1/3 of (both lettuce and tomatoes had gone off.)

1/4 (1/3?) pan of Strawberry Lemon Bars.  To my defense, they were made with no butter (love Earth Balance) and no sugar (Splenda to the rescue!)

1 cup Fiber One with almond milk and half a banana

2 chicken steamed buns with lime ponzu.  (mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm)

Oh, and I think I ate 3 Oreos.

August 5, 2012

I was pretty busy yesterday.  Feeling sorry for myself.  It happens from time to time.  Some bad job juju mixed in with a dinner mistake left me feeling very bleh at the end of the day.

I am so lucky, you guys.  Whoever you guys are.  I am so lucky for the friends in my life.  I have good ones.  And my room mates?  The best anyone has ever had.  (Three four-legged varieties.)  So it wasn't all too bad.

I ordered a pizza.  I got it without cheese.  I got it full of veggies.  I totally thought I ordered the thin-n-crispy crust which has no dairy products.  Nope.  I ordered the pan.  Whey.  After crying on the phone to Diane for awhile (crying was also re: bad job juju and not just pizza catastrophe) I scraped all the toppings off and shoved them into two pita halves.  Was pretty good.  Not $10 good, but "I didn't totally just waste $10" good.

---

No real exercise planned for the day, but I'm going in to clean the yoga studio later which always makes me sweat.  Then I'm going to prune the rosemary bush.  And I might convince Diane to come do faux yoga with me.

---

A new-to-me blog I've been following (Run Eat Repeat) does a Sunday Setup every week, and I'm going to take this idea and use it.  Basically it's preplanning workouts and dinners.

Monday:  Yoga-----Chicken cooked with green chiles, side of beans with veggies
Tuesday:  Walk 2 miles/Yoga-----MSF Meatballs with spaghetti sauce over low carb pasta
Wednesday:  Yoga-----Chicken in Korma sauce with dosas.
Thursday:  Yoga-----Whatever needs to be eaten...leaving for NYC on Fri.
FRI -  MON:  In NYC. 

---

5am starving... 1/2 cup Fiber One with almond milk

1 GF waffle with 1 egg and 1 link chicken sausage

1 vegan chocolate peanut butter muffin

1 Five Guys little burger with bacon with peanuts on the side

dinner will be the remaining chicken Teriyaki and brown rice with a side salad

dessert will be the other muffin

Dairy Pity Party

I know the key isn't too think about the things you can't have anymore, but to think of the things you can.  I get that.  But that cuts out the mourning part.  The pity party part.  I think I deserve a little pity party.  So, I'm going to throw it right here, right now.  Then later, I'll think about how I can still have a good life.  (And some of these things I know can be made at home with substitutions.  Assume I mean the convenience of a restaurant, take-out, or grocery store processed food.)

I will miss:
Cheese on my pizza.
Cheese on everything Italian.
Ice cream, frozen yogurt, and sherbert of all varieties.
Ice cream cakes.
My favorite soup in the world: Tomato Basil from Le Madeleine's.
Creme brulee.
Most desserts that come from a restaurant.  Especially the ones at Shelley's Bakery.
Candy bars that you can buy at the checkout lane.
Cheeseburgers.
Frijoles/queso.
Cheese samples from Dr. Gregory's stand at the Farmer's Market.
Dianne's cheese soup with a big dash of cayenne.
Chicken and dumplings.
Alfredo sauce.
Zupa Tuscano from Olive Garden.
Bread sticks from Olive Garden.
Beth's Chicken Spaghetti.
Nachos.
Chips and Queso.
Half-n-half in my coffee.
Yogurt. Especially Greek yogurt.

August 3, 2012

I drove to Tyler today to do a little shopping.  I don't think I've ever gone by myself before.

I went to Academy and nabbed a purse on sale.  It's the smaller version of that purse in the same print. Think it'll be good for traveling.  At Marshall's I got a raccoon toy for Bailey, and a New Balance sports bra for myself.  Oh, and some Mango Ginger chews.  At Ross it was a baking sheet, a pair of sweat pants, and a cute yellow top.  Then on to the mall.

The whole mission of this trip was to find a dress to wear for my show in NYC next week.  Well.  I found a beautiful dress at Marshall's.  Talked myself out of it because I keep thinking about thigh chafing and being in the city all day long.  So instead I decided to find a top to wear with some really comfortable, nice deep aquamarine linen pants I have.  I didn't find one.  I found three.  Well, three "looks."  I found a nice black peasant top with smocked bust.  Then there's a white tank top with a smocked top and a scalloped bottom made from large eyelet--but it makes two looks because I got an ocean blue cardigan and a grass green cardigan.  I could go either way.  Or, all three.  Likely?  I think I'll wear the green and pack the black to bring along...so if I spill...I'm still safe.

Good thing is that I can wear all of those things in other combinations and they can all still be worn as I get smaller.  Which I WILL DO DAMNIT.

Ahem.

Then to the fancy grocery store.  I think it's the only one of its particular variety.  Called "Fresh" it's of the Brookshire's chain.  It's like Whole Foods meets Kroger.  I spent the most money there.  I got soy pudding, coconut yogurt, dairy-free chocolate, and nice stock of other fun things that are all dairy free.

---

I'm feeling okay today.  I have a headache tonight, but blame driving in the heat.

A little gassy, but not terrible.  Also feel a little bloated, but WAY better than yesterday.

---

Total rest day as far as exercise goes.  Might try to run in the morning depending on how I feel when I wake up.

---

Woke up starving at 3am.  Had 1 cup Fiber One with almond milk.

1 Umpqua Not Guilty Oatmeal

1 Jason's Deli chicken salad sandwich on French Bread (no dairy) with potato chips (only ate half chips)

Mediumish salad with lettuce, tomatoes, chicken, and Thousand Island

Will likely have a coconut yogurt before I go to bed.  Not enough veggies, but otherwise not a half bad day.

August 2, 2012

I'm boiling brown rice, because I've decided to go crazy and have some carbs.  More of that chicken teriyaki I made yesterday will go on top.  While I wait for it to cook, though...

I had my appointment with Dr. Jones today.  I liked him.  He's about my age and really laid-back.  Easy to talk to.  I told him all my problems and my greatest fear was that he'd say, "Huh. I dunno.  Nothing we can do.  Sorry, kid."  Thankfully that didn't come to pass.  He has ideas.  And had terminology.  I am not some crazy, rare thing that can't be explained or fixed.  Or so I hope.  We're gonna try, at least.

First step is cutting out dairy completely and going on a big ole round of serious antibiotics.  He thinks it is likely that I am both lactose-intolerant AND dealing with SIBO.  SIBO.  See!  I even have an acronym, that's how common this is.  It stands for Small Intestines Bacteria Overgrowth.  Just means I have too much bad bacteria growing in my small intestines and so it makes doing it's job harder and well....creates all those symptoms I have.

Or, again, so we hope.

I'm on a 10 day regimen.  If I am all better and free and clear and fart-free at that point, then we are done and we know.  If not.  Well, if not then it's something else and we gotta break out the scopes to figure out what it is.  Notice I said scopes.  Yup.  Both ends.  He thinks the next step would be to consider celiacs, colitis, IBS, or a number of other things he said that I've now forgotten.  It kinda makes me tired to think about it.

So what do I do in the meantime about running?
Mostly I think I give myself a break and just stop until the 10 days is up.  But part of me thinks that's a cop out and if I know it's a problem then go to the Rec and use the track or the elliptical where I know I can quickly get to a bathroom.

I dunno.

I'll take it day by day maybe.
And yoga is full on, of course.

---

Most of an hour of yoga this morning.  The bloating was making my stomach hurt, and I had to go sit in the ladies room for awhile.

---

1 Larabar Uber Cherry Cobbler

1.5 cups Fiber One with almond milk and dried fruit
1 scrambled egg

1 piece of bread with cashew butter
small salad with lettuce, tomato, carrots, olives, almonds and Thousand Island

1 bowl of oatmeal at Starbucks with fruit and nuts

2 chicken sausage links

2 pieces of Peanut Butter Ginger candy (I checked, no milk!)

Now awaiting the brown rice with chicken teriyaki.  Then I'm going to bed early.

August 1, 2012

My stomach didn't feel great most of the day.
This evening I'm still a bit...uhm...gassy, but it's getting better.

I talked to a friend this morning who has a severe intolerance to lactose.  I went into her office, shut the door, and asked her to give me the details.  What happens?  How did you figure it out?  How long did it take before you felt better?

All the symptoms  she experienced sounded very much like what I've been going through.  I'm going to talk to the Gastro about it tomorrow.  What I'd like to do is put the colonscopy off until September and give this no-dairy thing a solid try.  And maybe mention my friend's hypothesis about the toxin dump during fat burning, too.

---

I spent a lot of last night in the ladies' room.
I didn't do yoga or walk/run today.
I'm okay with that.  Just taking care of myself.

I'm going to the 6am yoga class tomorrow where I feel very comfortable to do what I need to do (even if it involves spending half my practice in savasana.)  I'd like to take a walk or go for an easy, easy run after but am going to wait and see how I feel.

---

1.5 cups Fiber one with almond milk
1 banana

1 banana

Salad: lettuce, cherry tomatoes, almonds, carrots, chicken, and Thousand Island dressing (picked it up this afternoon, realized all my dressings at home have dairy)

1 chicken and apple sausage link
1 slice of bread with a tsp of mayo

1 apple sliced with cashew butter

Teriyaki chicken with broccoli, carrots, snow peas, water chestnuts and almonds.  Served on lettuce.

2 cups of coffee, lots of water

July 31, 2012

Today wasn't the very best.

Met Jessie near the school for an early morning walk.  We haven't walked together since September so it was something we'd both been looking forward to.  The plan was to go two miles.  But I warned her ahead of time that if I needed to "go" I'd have to...go. 

My plan was to head to Diane's house should the need arise.  She, thankfully (look, foreshadowing!) lives near the school.

Sure enough, 0.78mi into the walk I gotta go.  We turn around and head back in the other direction.  I debate going to my car first and driving or just going straight there.  The more I walk the more I need to go straight there.  I text Diane and let her know of my impending visit. 

Nobody needs the play by play, but I'll say it wasn't my finest hour.  And I am so grateful that Diane was heading out for a run as I got there...as I had the house to myself to...deal with my
not so finest hour.

My stomach has bothered me the rest of the day.
I haven't even had coffee.
!!!

My doctor returned my call from yesterday, and has referred me on to a Gastro.  I see him on Thursday, and she says it's likely a colonoscopy will be involved.  She hopes they can just prescribe a stronger version of Immodium to "plug me up" so to speak--but wants to rule out everything else first.

A friend posed something to me on the phone tonight.  He wonders if it has something to do with fat burning and toxin/hormone release.  Maybe.  My only question about that though is that I don't have the same thing happen when I do yoga, swim, or participate in other physical activities.  It's just walking and running. 

But who knows?

---

I got flowers today.  That totally made up for the asshole from yesterday.
They're from a friend of mine...we've always had a very chastely romantic relationship.  This is the second time he's done this.  The first was four or five yeas ago.  Last time it was tulips and irises.  This time it's assorted gorgeous roses.  A dozen.

Which makes me wonder about the guy who's been trying to get back in my life.  Not that he needs to spend a wealth of cash on me (though surely he's saved plenty of money NOT ever coming to see me), but talk is cheap.  Action...that's what is priceless.

---

So the walk was 1.69 miles at about 37 minutes. 

Skipped yoga today due to upset tummy.

---

1 Fiber One blueberry muffin (before walk)

2 cups Fiber One with almond milk

1 bowl chicken soup
chips

1 Lunabar Uber Banana's Foster

1 bowl chicken noodle soup
big scoop of hummus

The rest of that delicious strawberry pie (just less than half of it.)

Water, Diet Dr. Pepper, and mint tea

July 30, 2012

Men are such freaking assholes sometimes.  (And yes, women are complete bitches sometimes, too.)

At a bar for happy hour this evening (post yoga, but more on that in a minute) and this guy at the bar---maybe 25?--kept staring at my friend.  Leering, rather.  My friend is almost 60.  A beautiful woman, but...still.  Almost 60.

I crossed by him at one point to go to the ladies' room and he either said to me "Woof" or "Wolf."  He was too drunk to really understand.  And I don't think it was a compliment either way.

But then.  Then my friend goes out for a smoke.  Within a minute I see him get up and follow her outside.

Apparently the transaction went something like this:

Him:  Can I have a drag off that?
Her:  Take your hand off my ass.
Him: Geeze, sorry.
Her:  I said, take your hand off my ass.  This is not how you treat a woman.
Him:  Come on.  I gotta big dick.

She came back in and sat down after that.

And I wonder why the idea of being thin and small scares me sometimes.  That right there is why.  I don't know a single woman who hasn't had a man touch her in an unwanted way.  This is on the tails of finding out a friend was raped last week.

Not that bigger women aren't sexually assaulted.  I have been a few times.  There's just...I dunno...the assumption that I'm more likely to hear "woof" from a guy like than "I gotta big dick."  Which is just fine by me.  His is not a favor I'm wanting to win.

Just.  Really.  The anger knows no end.

---

An hour of yoga today.  Did good stuff with my hips.  Shook out some trauma during a leg raise.

Meant to get up and run. Didn't.  Meeting Jessie for a walk in the morning.

---

1 Fiber One blueberry muffin

1.5 cups of Fiber One with almond milk and dried fruit
2 Applegate Farms all natural chicken apple sausage links

Went to a diner for lunch...am not proud, but this is going to be my "one meal a week eaten out there I can have whatever."  (Note to self, this can't happen again until NYC.)

1 chicken fried steak with white gravy
1/2 cup mashed potatoes
1/2 cup green beans
1 big fat white roll with butter

1 Fiber One blueberry muffin

1 house salad with Thousand Island dressing
3 cheese sticks and 1 flauta off the "free bar food tray" meaning, not big.

There is a sugar free baby strawberry pie in my kitchen waiting to be eaten later!

3 cups of coffee
lots of water

July 29, 2012

As promised before, no beating myself up for two months of not keeping up.  Instead, move forward.

(I have not been completely off my game even though I haven't written.  I'm doing yoga about 5x a week, and while I'm getting some digestive issues sorted out I'm doing short runs 2-3x a week.)

Digestive issues.  That sorta feels like it's what my life is all about these days.

I can't run without having to go.  Even if I went before I left the house.  Even if I went twice before I left the house.  I get between 1 and 2 miles in and....gotta go and gotta go now!  And no, I don't mean I have to pee.  That would be easier...I could squat in a bush. 

Earlier this month I DNF'd a 5k because about a mile from the finish line (and luckily only a block from my car) I had to GO.  GO NOW.  And there were no porti-potties at this race.  That Monday I called my doctor.

We did blood tests for food allergies.  Nothing.
We changed my diet from mostly vegetarian to...not at all vegetarian.
I'm eating, at doctor's orders, about 1.5 - 2 cups of Fiber One per day (with almond milk.)
This helped some, but did not solve the problem.  

And the last thing we tried was taking me off of Metformin (I'm Type 2 diabetic) in the great hope it was the thing messing me up, and we'd just put me on different meds.  I've been off it a week now.  The last two runs I didn't make it 2 full miles.

So I'll call her in the morning, go back on my meds, and see what the next step is.

 Today I ate:
1 cup of Fiber One with blueberries in almond milk
1 egg

2 Fiber One blueberry muffins

1 big salad with lettuce, tomatoes, almonds, avocado, carrots, chicken and Olive Garden dressing

2 more Fiber One blueberry muffins

(I meant to have something other than the following for dinner, but the chicken I bought at grocery store to make Teriyaki and veggies was bad.  So.  I had to resort to something else.)
2 crab cakes (baked)
1 tbsp tartar sauce
1 serving Sun Chips (creamy garlic)

And 3 cups of coffee and a ton of water throughout the day.

No exercise today.

May 20

Instead of running, I was invited to go roller skating with the local roller derby girls. 

I was real emotional about it at first, because I was sooooo bad and others were doing sooo beautifully.  Obviously they had more time on their skates than I did, but I suddenly felt like I was 8 again and nobody would want me on their team.

Then I got over myself and had a lot more fun.
And then I fell.  On my ass.  Harder on the left side.  My butt and lower back hurt pretty good.  Am on orders from C. to just rest it out today and see how I feel tomorrow.  Maybe do her 4:30pm yoga class all gentle like.

Breakfast was Fiber One with dried fruit and almond milk.
Snack was coffee with soy.
Next snack was two bits of a Larabar (coconut.)
And then lunch was an Amy's bean burrito and a glass of iced tea.

About to go to an early dinner with J.  No idea where, but I'll do my best.

Rotating heat and ice the rest of the night after I get home.

May 19

Want to write every day.  Hold myself accountable for some things.  Primarily food/exercise, but other things, too.

Starting today.  No backtracking and beating myself up for the pasta I ate last night or bragging about all the yoga I did last week.  Just reporting a day at a time.

I was supposed to run this morning, but woke up with a headache.  Still there a little.  Going to run tomorrow instead.  Want to do one of my yoga dvd's today.  Haven't done yoga at home in forever.

Breakfast: oatmeal, egg, bit o' maple syrup, 3 strawberries, 2 cups coffee with almond/coconut milk

Lunch: mini thins, mayo, avocado, 2 slices tofurkey, havarti, handful of peppers/cukes and a bit of Seven Seas dressing.

Going for coffee with CC in a bit.  So there will be more coffee.  No snacks.

For dinner I think I'll have minestrone and some of the quinoa salad.

About to do some reading on cayenne supplements. 

May 12

Just back from run.  Haven't even peeled a banana yet.

Did 2.15 miles in 40 minutes.  But at 2 miles I was at 36 minutes and then cooled down.  Not like an 18 minute mile is fast or anything.  But it sure beats 20 minutes, right?

The trail was slick from rain so there was more walking going on, too.

I woke up with a queasy tummy.  Ate too late and ate too much dairy yesterday.  But I built my run around a Chevron station and that helped a good bit.  I liked knowing I was running to a clean bathroom.  I don't ever want to think of my last park bathroom experience ever again.

I'm going to suck back some water, eat a banana, change and head to yoga.  Then I want to check out a jewelry sale and convince D. to go get coffee with me.

Edited to add: I saw a cute little turtle on the trail!  No snakes.  (One of my students was bit by a snake on the trail last week.)

May 10

Yoga at 6am.  Hatha 1.  I fell twice, I think.  My balance wasn't full awake yet.

But I feel really great now.  More awake at 8:30am than I've been in ages.  With a lot less coffee to boot.

Going back tonight for the Fundamentals class.  Only one more after tonight.

After yoga a friend called and needed a ride.  Somehow during the picking her up, grabbing coffee, and coming home my wallet and phone ended up under my car seat.  As I dug them out I found a sleave of Reese's peanut butter....hearts.  From Valentine's Day.  They've been hanging out down there for awhile.  Probably melted and reformed many times since then.

But the truly amazing thing?  I haven't eaten them.

Yet.