Even More September 30

I am going to pay this is the kick in the pants I've been needing, and nothing more.

More for September 30

I am independent to a fault.  What I think of as a fault.

Maybe.

And bear with me, there is still muscle relaxers talking, and I'm about to take more.  Haven't had a dose since 4am.

My dear sweet friend tried to hold my little basket for me at the grocery store, and I wouldn't let her.  And she tried to help me find the kind of ibuprofen I was looking for, and I told her, "Let me be the decider."  Or something equally as silly.

I do everything for myself.  Without a room mate or significant other, all the chores are mine to do.  All the groceries get got by me.  The pets? I feed them, clean the litter boxes, let Bailey out, and dote all the loving.  And I spend a lot of time, quite honestly, wishing and wishing that just once I could have somebody to help me.

And then?
I don't let my dear sweet friend hold my basket for me.

And this is no every day dear sweet friend kind of friend.  This is the sister kind of dear sweet friend.  The chosen sister kind.  I've got two of them right now.  Both big sisters.  Which I've never had literally or figuratively.  And she offered her help, and instead of being accepting, I had to be Independent.  I'm not mad at myself.  I know she's not mad at me either.  Just a basket.  Just some ibuprofen.  But I'd like to get better at accepting help.

September 30

It's been quite a week.

I am trying to sober myself up from the muscle relaxers a bit so I can run an errand or two and do some writing before I go back under.

I ended up with what I'm praying to God is a pinched nerve.
Bad lower back ache all last week (which was part of my grumpiness last week, as was PMS)  It hurt all week.  I got a massage on Tuesday.  It helped.  Then I went for an hour long walk on Wednesday.  That DID NOT help, though it did feel good to be out and moving.

By Thursday afternoon I was in some intense pain and by midnight I was crying and trying to find different ways to position myself that wouldn't hurt so much.  I discovered on accident that lying on the floor felt great (I had dropped my phone under the bed and went to fetch it.)  Then  around 5am I found a way of sitting on my right butt cheek and leaning a little forward that took all the pain away.

At 8am I was at the doctor.  All pain gone, but my left leg pretty damn numb.

X-rays.  Steroid shot.  Anti-inflammation shot.  The space between my L5 and my S1 is too small, likely a nerve (sciatic?) got pinched during a yoga pose.  Which? Not sure, but we think one that involved a block on my sacrum.

In the meantime I am on Prednisone (2x  day) and Flexoril (as often I am able to take it, but at least nightly) and have a follow up on Thursday afternoon.  For now I've got one hell of a limp and not a lot of feeling in my left calf down, but I think that's an improvement.

Fuck.

(OF couse, in the back of my mind I keep wanting to re-Google just how hereditary MS is.)

September 23

It's Sunday, but Sunday almost a month later.
I've been doing great with running and eating.

And then my back started hurting yesterday.  It will be fine.  Not worried.

Not about that.

Could be eating better, but not horribly.  On the menu for the week ahead is fish, chicken, spaghetti stew, and FlatOut pizza.

It's my brain and my heart that I'm having a hard time with.
And my sense of self.
Self identity.
Self worth.
Self love.

I feel kind of a mess, and am having a hard time really getting my shit together.

This desire to sleep all the time is starting to get in the way.

But speaking of.
It's really that time.